Nickolepsy

Nichols and May Examine Doctors

October 31, 2010
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When I graduated from medical school, my parents surprised me with a record album they had been keeping hidden for years: “Nichols and May Examine Doctors”.  It was recorded in 1960, so I expected the humor to be moldy with archaic assumptions about doctors and nurses and psychoanalysts and gender roles.  Though the jokes do depend on these assumptions, this is still, in 2010, the funniest bunch of sketches I can think of.  Mike Nichols (maybe best known for directing The Graduate) and Elaine May (best known, unfortunately, as writer and director of Ishtar) give us the audio equivalents of great New Yorker cartoons.  Their humor is so dry that it can take a moment to get the joke.  Once you’re clued in, you hang on every pause and every mumbled word, you suppress your laughter to avoid missing anything, and bounce in anticipation of inflicting this on your friends.  As I am bouncing now.

Empty your bladder first.  Here’s a taste.  This one starts slowly — stick with it.

A Little More Gauze

Here’s a psychoanalysis sketch.    It might be wasted on anyone under 40, but I love it and I don’t care.

Merry Christmas, Doctor

Here’s a psychoanalysis/hiccup sketch that only they could make work, and which makes me so very happy.

Interrupted Hour

I wish this were outdated.  I’m afraid it’s only exaggerated:

Calling Dr. Marx

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More Band Names (see June 5 for the first list)

October 30, 2010
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We saw Walter Sickert and The Army of Broken Toys last night in downtown Salem, MA.  They were great fun — a perfect fit with the general Rocky Horror/Jesus Saves ambience of Salem in October.  They were a motley group that wandered on and off of the stage, including a nun who handed out condoms (and carried a hole puncher in case anyone wanted their condom to be “Catholic Church approved”), a bow-tied, mustachioed string section that played GREAT pizzicato, and the massive, dreadlocked Walter Sickert, who seemed like the reincarnation of Jim Morrison, only sharp witted and rooted to his seat.

The band name works, but we thought we could do better.  Thank god for the good Czech beer they serve at Gulu Gulu.  Here is the best of what we came up with:

 

I Don’t Know Anyone Here — Can We Leave?

Your Father Was Right

B-Plus?  B-Fucking-Plus?

No, Really, It Doesn’t Make You Look Fat

It’s Not You.  It’s Me.

The…  Um…

I’ll Have $12 Worth Of Regular, Please

leave it.  LEAVE it.

Oh, God.  I’m Going To Vomit

I Forgot To Wipe

Full Frontal New Ditties (this, after one of the band members danced her way out of her dress.)

Size Doesn’t Matter

The Catholic Church Approved Condoms

I Just Need Some Percocet.

No More Injections

The Burnt-Out Night Nurses

Midwest Regional Association

Your Turn To Change The Diaper.

My Urine Bag Is Almost Full.

 


Posted in Funny/Odd

Public Health Educational Song #2

September 5, 2010
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The alphabet song is not very interactive.  Here’s a youth-oriented public outreach effort that invites audience participation.  But please — not too much audience participation!

The Clap Song

If you’ve got a little problem, clap your hands

Clap!  Clap!

‘Cause you didn’t wear a condom, clap your hands

Clap!  Clap!

If you’ve got a little problem, ’cause you didn’t wear a condom

If you’ve got a little problem, clap your hands

Clap!  Clap!

If your Tom Thumb is a-burnin’, clap your hands

Clap!  Clap!

If a discharge he’s a-nursin’, clap your hands

Clap!  Clap!

If your Tom Thumb is a-burnin’, and a discharge he’s a-nursin’

If your Tom Thumb is a-burnin’, clap your hands

Clap!  Clap!


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Public Health Educational Song

September 5, 2010
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So many young people with STDs these days.  We’re thinking of adapting children’s songs as public service announcements.  Like this:

The Alphabet Song

A-B-C-D

Effin’ G-

onorrhea

L-M-N-O-P-

enis hurts

T-U-V

Rated-X

Oh, why me?

Now I know my STDs

Next time — condoms!  I’ll wear three


Posted in Funny/Odd

Guest Blogger!

July 14, 2010
2 Comments

As I mentioned a few days ago, I’m a fan of Ask The Evil Overlord, my son’s newspaper column in the Oak Tree Times.  Here is the July 13 installment (with all identifying info for humans redacted, as usual.  Kitten/monkey/dragon things don’t mind being identified.):

Welcome to another edition of the Evil Overlord Advice Column.  Gerald, my replacement for Leonard, is proving to be quite the hard worker!  I am very satisfied with his performance so far!

Confused asks, “HOW DO I KNOW IF I AM A GOOD EVIL OVERLORD?”  Okay, first off, stop yelling.  You’re hurting my wonderful ears.  Secondly, the process is simple.  Ask someone you know where, on a scale of one to ten, how Evil you are.  If you rate above a seven, you are doing all right.  If you rate above above a nine, you are awesome.  If the person rates you higher than ten, they are either pulling your leg and need to be disintegrated, or you are being the best Evil Overlord you can be.  But if you are the best Evil Overlord, disintegrate them anyway.  It’s just good business.

Wondering asks, “Is it necessary to have a costume?”  Good question Wondering, the answer is no.  You do not NEED a costume, but they are very fun to play around with and can help you make an impression.  However, make sure you don’t have a cape.  If you’ve ever seen The Incredibles, you know what I am talking about.  But, if you are trying to be inconspicuous, not having a costume can help you.  It does make you stand out in a crowd, which, if you have a mortal enemy, is probably not the way you want to go.  Your choice.

Blank asks, “How do you get minions?”  This is a question that has annoyed Evil Overlords for years, because really, what makes a minion?  Is it a person who has a contractual obligation to help, or is it just someone who helps you?  If your definition is either of these, then the best way to get minions is through one of these simple methods.  If you have lots of funds, pay them.  This only works if you have tons of money though, so it should be saved as a last resort.  Secondly, threaten them with destruction, pain, or public humiliation.  This requires either strength or a good spy network, which, if you have neither, leaves you with one option.  Write a romance novel.  If you have enough bare-chested men in your novel, you can convince people to do pretty much anything.  I call it the Meyer Solution.

Gerald!  Get me my noodles!  Good man — un, kitten/monkey/dragon thing.  Yeah.  Good… that.  Anywho, I hope this article has been both funny and informative, and that it helps you out through your forays into the wonderful world of Evil Overlording.  If you would like to hear a story of a hilarious and frankly heartwarming Evil Overlord, I suggest you watch the movie Despicable Me, with Steve Carell.  Trust me, it’s hilarious.  If you want to have your own questions or comments answered or mocked, just send them to the Evil Overlord Advice Column folder located outside the OTT Room on the Third Floor.  Have a nice day, and as always, MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!


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Guest Blogger!

July 9, 2010
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Though he is still 13 years old, my youngest son has had a blog for years now.  It’s a special kind of blog called a “newspaper column”.  This newspaper column runs each summer in The Oak Tree Times, the daily muckraking organ of his summer camp.

It is an advice column, in which he answers questions left in a folder outside the newsroom.   The name of this advice column morphs from issue to issue; I always think of it as “Ask the Evil Overlord”.

Here (edited only slightly to remove identifying information about specific people) are his last two posts, er, columns:


July 8, 2010

Hail to all my servants!  Once again, I have descended from upon high, to wreak havoc on your pathetic little lives!  MWA-HA-HA!  Also I needed to buy some more milk, because all the milk in my secret flying base has gone bad.  You’d think with all the brilliant mad scientists working for me on all my doomsday weapons, I’d have a way of keeping milk from going bad.  Or at least find a way of transporting it through some teleport mechanism.  At least find a servant or someone whom I could send to pick it up.

But in any case, I have come!  And when I arrived at my diabolical folder, I found it stuffed to the brim!  An evil smile crept across my face; one that was instantly extinguished when I found what the three letters were.  One was a blank piece of paper.  I assume this person was requesting advice on how to write.  What do I look like, a kindergarten teacher?  Ask your parents if you don’t know.  Incidentally, writing is a very important part of being an evil overlord, so make sure you know how.  No one takes emailed death threats seriously these days, the first drafts of speeches one gives to the masses should always be written on paper, and when you take control of someone’s body and force them to write things out in paint, ketchup, or tomato sauce, (No one uses blood anymore, it takes hours to wash off) you want it to at least be legible.

The second questions reads as follows: (In exactly the kind of chicken scratch handwriting I told people not to use in the last article) “Dear H.: I need help.  What should I do?  (Insert heart here) I need help.”  Well, random person who didn’t bother putting his or her own name, what you should do when you need help is go ASK SOMEONE AN ACTUAL BLOODY QUESTION.  And unless it involves Evil Overlords in some way, DON’T BOTHER ME ABOUT IT.  And seriously, who puts a heart on a letter to an Evil Overlord?  That’s like giving a priest the devil horns as a sign of encouragement.

So thus ends another section of the Evil Overlord Advice Column.  Please do remember to send your questions and comments to the Evil Overlord Advice Column folder, located outside the OTT room on the third floor.  I hope that my advice to these people has also helped you.  Have a lovely day, and as always, MWA-HA-HA-HA!

~

July 9, 2010

MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!  Salutations to all my minions, lieutenants, and servants both big and small!  I am currently wearing the most flamboyant black fedora and loving it!  Seriously, black fedoras, bowler hats, and top hats are three accessories that you cannot go wrong with.

Anonymous writes, “What is the most prized possession in your arsenal?”  Well first off, prized is the word you’re looking for, and with all Evil Overlords, my most prized possession is my big blue box that says Police on it.  TARDISes are hard to come by these days.  Boom!  Doctor Who reference!  All the sci-fi nerds go “What? What?”  I fully expect all my followers who are fans of that great British television show to come up to me and actually say, “What? What?” when they read this.

Another unnamed person asks, “Do Evil Overlords feel emotions?”  Oh, yes, we do.  We love ourselves very much.  We take pleasure in doing evil things.  And always remember that Evil is, in fact, an emotion.  The one common misconception is that we never feel merciful.  This is factually incorrect.  We feel merciful constantly.  We just choose to ignore it.

Finally, P. asks “Dear Evil Overlord.  Your advice column is the best in the paper!  Its popular, but are you?  Do you, Evil Overlord, have any friends?”  Well, P., first things first.  While your letter looks nice, you misspelled “it’s” and you forgot to put capital letters in places.  But to answer your question, yes.  I have quite a few friends.  Many of them have become lieutenants and generals in my Legion of Terror, or advisors on my board of directors.  No Evil Overlord ever gained power without the help and support of his/her friends.

Well, that’s all the time we have today, I hope to hear from you soon.  I am departing from this world for a few months to deal with the hordes of mind-controlled Twilight fans that have cropped up due to Eclipse.  I hope this edition of the Evil Overlord Advice Column has been helpful to you in your Evil endeavors, and if you wish to participate, just send your questions, comments, and possibly some chocolates to the Evil Overlord Advice column folder located outside the OTT room on the third floor.  I hope you have a wonderful day, and, as always, MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!


Posted in Funny/Odd

Band Names

June 5, 2010
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A friend of mine used to be in a band called “The Savage Towels”, which they took from a New Yorker cartoon about the least-feared gangs of New York.  Before that, he played in “Busload of Nuns”.  Here are some suggestions for future band names:

The Bimonthly Committee Meetings

The Bureaucratic Delays

Canadian Agricultural Summit

The Annual Performance Reviews

The Unexpected Payroll Deductions

~

The Ineffective Mufflers

The Intermittently Functional Wireless Routers

~

National Arbor Day

~

The Foley Catheters

The Icy BMs

Dysuria

Anuria

The Enlarged Prostates

~

The Electronic Prescriptions

The Approved Generics

~

Honey, Did You Remember To Get Milk?

~

The Replacement Windshields

Broken Window Theory

The Supply Closets

The Dirty Utility Closets

The Leaky Pens

~

Quarters For The Laundromat

White Cotton Underpants

~

Sorry I Farted

~

The Beatles


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Chlamydiamania! (Scene 4)

April 29, 2010
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Lucy explains a few things to Paul, to the tune of “In My Life”

In My Life

Of diseases I have weathered

From my life before I slept with you

Some have lingered, some got better

Some I keep suppressed with capsules blue

~

Some were treated with injections

And some needed pills, a few linger still

And damn that human papilloma virus

For the twice yearly paps that break my will.

~

But of all my countless lovers

You’re the first who’s passed Chlamydia

These diseases have their nicknames

I’ll refer to this as Lydia

~

There’s Sy-Phylis, whom I got from that guy Willis

Whose chancre was small, just like his thing

And Thea Gonorrhea hurts when peein’

But her treatment carries much less sting

~

Oh I know about that nasty hepatitis

And herpes and AIDS, and genital warts

I know I’ll often stop and think about them

In my life, and in my shorts.

~

In my life and in my shorts


Posted in Funny/Odd, Music
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Chlamydiamania! (Scene 3)

April 26, 2010
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Hey, Chlamydiamaniacs!  Bad news!  Someone must have slipped a Z-Pak into my drink, because I’ve suddenly lost touch with my inner Chlamydia.  Oh well.  Sometime I’ll get myself liquored up and rediscover it.  In the meantime, here’s the last song in the bank for the moment.  Needs a few repairs, but works well enough for now.

Background: Paul gave Lucy Chlamydia on their first date.  Lucy got diagnosed and called Paul to yell at him.  He likes her, though, and now he’s starting to wonder if maybe they can work it out.

To the tune of this song:

I’ve Just Seen a Face

~

I’ve just had a test,

I won’t forget the pain of hearing this result

She’s just a girl I met.  No, not a girl —

A fully grown adult

God damn.  Argh!  God damn shit.

~

Had I not had feet of clay

I might have called her back today

But as it is she called me first

And told me that I may just be the worst

Jerkwad, self-centered git.

~

Lucy, how I do pity ya

Gave you Chlamydia.  That’s all (I hope).

~

I just didn’t know

I had no symptoms

Even when I took a whiz.  Ain’t been with

All that many girls before, but boy is this one pissed.

Wish that condom had fit.

~

Lucy, we nearly broke the bed

And though you feel misled, I’m just a dope.

~

I’ve just had a taste

Don’t want to let this go to waste

She’s quite a dish.  If I could only have

One wish, would be to stop, rewind, erase

Get her out of her snit.

~

Stalling, cause I keep bawling

Should I try calling her back again?


Posted in Funny/Odd, Music
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Bedtime Story

April 24, 2010
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Goodnight, moon.

Goodnight, cow jumping over the moon.

Good night, comb.

Good night, brush.

Good night, old lady whispering “hush.”

Goodnight, chlamydia.


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